Low

My blood sugar, and my mood.

Bear has to go to DB's on Wednesday nights. She doesn't like to go. At all. I don't know what goes on there, but from what she tells me he fights with his girlfriend all the time. The GF isn't nice to Bear. I know, I know, not all stepmothers (or father's girlfriends, whatever) are evil. But she makes my baby upset and that hurts my heart. My Bear is a wonderful little girl. She is sometimes more of an adult than a child. For three years, it was just her and me. Then we met C and our lives changed. We got married, bought a house, and had Nono. Before he came into our lives, Bear and I had it hard. I had to work all the time to pay the bills. She went to daycare. Sometimes my mom would have to pick her up from daycare so I could work late. Sometimes I didn't have health insurance. Sometimes I didn't have insulin, or food. Bear always had what she needed but not many extras. I think that's why she doesn't care a whole lot about playing with toys. She would rather have time with people she loves. And her original father decided, after C came into our lives, that he was a better parent than I was and that he wanted to try to get custody of her. Well, it didn't work. Thank God, thank Dave Matthews (a godlike figure to me), thank my lucky stars, thank the court system for not taking my baby girl. Because I could not go on without her, I couldn't do it. But they gave him some overnights. And it's tough on Bear. But he's not the kind of person you can have a conversation with, and I've tried. It's his way, that's all.

So after school today, we did Bear's homework and played. Then I had to give Nono her dinner early so we could deliver Bear on time. I checked my blood sugar before we left, and it was 80. I'm a little slow, obviously, because the right thing to do would have been to eat something so I didn't end up low. But there were kids to be bundled up and loaded into the car because if I'm two minutes late I'll hear about it. So I get my Bear calmed down and dropped off, and Nono is screaming in the back seat because she hates the car, especially without her sister keeping her company and picking up the toy she throws and then cries because she doesn't have it. And I realize my 80 is no longer so terrific and has fallen. Awesome.

See, I didn't have anything with me to eat or drink that would fix it. So...we made it home slowly and carefully. But it sucked. I tried to call C to whine a little about my day- period, sad Bear, unhappy Nono, low blood sugar, not looking forward to tomorrow's appointments...but he didn't answer. He is working until 8 tonight, from 8 this morning. And it isn't that he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't think. He's just busy at work. I just sometimes feel like I get the shaft in the deal. His boss gets him all the time and I get an hour or so at night if I can stay awake. I never get to go anywhere without kids, ever. On C's one day off he's content to be home doing projects or watching football and I don't blame him. Since Nono was born, we went out to dinner once (in April). I went to the grocery store once by myself. And I went to a party in Bear's classroom for an hour while my grandmother watched Nono. But that's it. There's no support. C's parents live far away. My parents are another story.

So I'm kind of sad. I do have one good friend who usually talks me through stuff like this but her son's birthday is tomorrow and I know how stressful that gets so I'm not going to bother her tonight. Plus I feel like it is about time to find a way to deal by myself. I'm very, very lucky in a lot of ways. I have a pain in the ass disease to deal with, but I'm lucky to be able to deal with it. I have two healthy, happy, beautiful girls. I'm still as in love with my husband as I was when we first started dating. But I miss him. I'm lucky he has a job and wants to provide for us. I know all this, but I'm still on the whiny side. And I'm just sad.